He said Onyi, I don’t just want to date you, I want to marry you. Bewildered me was wondering how the conversation had gone from how you are and how was your day to I want to marry you.
I used to spell out NO in capital letters as a teenager to anyone who asked to be in a relationship with me because I never wanted to have a boyfriend till I was at least above eighteen (18) years. That was so contrary to what most of my peers did or believed in. In fact, there was a boy I really liked in secondary school. I had told you about him in one of my previous blog posts "UNEXPECTED KISS" but because I said to myself eighteen and above, I couldn’t get myself to say yes to his request and I was greatly pained. But, I just had to keep to my words and remain disciplined. My question to myself however is, what changed?
When I was a kid, I dreamed such big dreams. Often I visualized myself as an influence, a renowned lawyer or an ambassador or a famous mass communicator and actress that could speak at least four languages. I really believed I could do, have and be whatever I wanted. I also remember how I used to feel like a young girl growing up in the environs of COLOMBIA in town (one of the most notorious and criminal environments in Port Harcourt).
I felt I couldn’t be conditioned by the illness in my environment or the stigma that came with me being brought up by a single parent or the stigma that came with me being known with different tribe names, igbani and ibo, always determined by my location at a point in time.
The fun came in form of simple pleasure like reading vastly and thinking beyond the environment I found myself in. Fun was listening to music, singing out loud as though there was nothing to limit or put a hush to the tune that came from the inside. Fun was writing simple books, stories and scripts for the betterment of my generation then.
I had an enormous curiosity for life as I dreamt beyond my family, my environment and my present circumstance. Limitation, could not hold back what the future had in store/stall for me.
I honestly don’t think I have felt that kind of freedom and joy in dreaming since adulthood began to creep in. why? What happened?
I think the answer is likely that adulthood came with so many expectations of how I should act or perhaps, I allowed the happenings around me become my reality and in turn, it shaped my thoughts toward how I approached life in general.
Few days and then a few weeks after my birthday, I have felt so empty and unfulfilled. Looking back, I’ve wondered to me what have I achieved so far? Yes, I like the money I tell you but not as you think though. I like the money I decently earned working. So, I don’t take business as a joke. BUT making money is not everything as much as it is very important.
I realized I miss being a child. Being free to dream, pursue the dream without even thinking, get a bang which can either be success or failure, nevertheless not be marred by the negative outturn rather, be strengthened to give it another try if that is the case.
I miss the innocence of the mind toward dreaming.
I ask myself if I could overcome pressure as a little girl and a teenager from my unscrupulous environment and mischievous peers why can’t I do that now?
If there’s one thing I’ve come to understand about life, it is that it doesn’t give you what you can’t handle. You just don’t know how much power you have to conquer life’s hurdles and solve the puzzles that come with your building capacity and mental growth.
I’m not in competition with anyone. I’m not trying to be like anyone. I’m open to dreaming again, going beyond that to actualizing. Some may seem crazy but do I care? Not anymore. I am only interested in how my life affects others positively. Not because everyone is doing it or for the social status that comes with it but for FULFILLMENT.
IT HAPPENED THAT TODAY, MY INNER CORE GOT RUPTURED. I GOT ENGAGED WITH THE INNER ME, NOT THE MAN THAT YOU THINK.
My Thoughts.
©Ala O. Wilcox
